On my honor, I will do my duty –
To think Chicago is full of beauty.
Neither rain, nor snow, nor gloom of night
Will make me think Rush Limbaugh's right.
My New Year's resolution is –
To drink less stuff with lots of fizz.
Believe me, if all those enduring young charms
Aren't wasted by tattoos on your face and your arms.
If ever I should leave you it'll be on Oprah's show –
And I pledge allegiance to yell out: "Look out below!"
Dr. Suess might not get far
at a dim piano bar
If he brought in a guitar.
Would they let him in at all,
Even if he tried to crawl –
Would there be a great big brawl?
Maybe he could get on through
If he snuck in a kazoo –
And recited in Urdu.
If he had enough cheap gin
He could make an awful din.
Then he'd meet with Mickey Finn.
I've been going green for years and never really knew it.
A leftover is never tossed – I simply will fondue it.
I let my lawn lie fallow brown in summer for good reason;
It keeps the water bill quite low and cuts the mowing season.
I reuse the same story and recycle all my jokes,
And rarely wash my underwear since soap is just a hoax.
Ev'ry year I grow a little greener – so I'm told;
But most folks think it's probably a touch of slimy mold.
Americans are tolerant of ev'ry sort of creed;
That's because they're dumber than an ordinary weed
When it comes to who was who and what is what today
In religions of the world, both near and far away.
The Ten Commandments are unknown or else we are quite liable
To think a movie started them, and not the sacred Bible.
The Dalai Lama is a self-help guru, that is all –
To know he was a Buddhist god would throw us a curve ball.
We might burn the Koran but we never would dare read it –
Martin Luther, way down South some marching -- didn't he lead it?
Maimonides, now there's a name we think we ought to know –
Some famous Deli on Broadway for pastrami after the show.
Atheists are experts on religion, no big deal –
Since all of Heaven's thunder they intend to someday steal.
When the frost is on the pumpkin and they're putting them in cans
Then it's time for pies a-bakin' while we gather in our clans
To carve the plumpest turkey that growth hormones can produce,
With the cranberries and scalloped corn and yams whipped up in mousse.
There's nothin' like a pumpkin pie after such a feast,
With cholesterol a-flowin' and yer front securely greased –
Pile on lots of whippin' cream – a second piece? You bet!
So far I been lucky at this heart attack roulette.
What is a toy? To a boy or a girl
In the slums of Beirut
It's a box that's a fort; just for sport
They will shoot their toy guns
At someone who looks odd
Or worships a god not their own.
Why is a toy? A decoy from the news
Of the world as it spews in a plume.
In a room full of toys there are tears
And some joys but for most
Melba toast is the best to be got
From the jest not yet told.
When is a toy? To deploy a device
Where there's cards or some dice
And a board that is scored is a game
That is played when the blame is
Deferred or unheard by adults
Who are children in ruins.
