timericks

Does anybody really know

What Doppler radar means,

With all those blobs of color

On our television screens?

It seems more like Picasso,

Jackson Pollock, or Van Gogh,

Than scientific weather

Showing rain or blizzard snow.

Why not have a kindergartner

Finger paint the map?

It would look more vivid

And might even make me clap.

I wonder what comes next

With this artistic weather fad,

Polka-dot high pressure

Or some fog tricked out in plaid?

 

 

 

The DOT has magic codes,

Closing only certain roads

On which I want to travel –

Turning my vacation time

Into futile pantomime

As my plans unravel.

Silently I must detour

Never being really sure

That I'm on the right way.

And so, you wicked DOT,

You are only mocking me;

All your signs, they ought to be:

YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT PLAY

---

Give to a good cause with every e-mail. Join the i'm Initiative from Microsoft.

say what?

What with heavy earwax

And appearance of stray hair,

I will claim my hearing,

Though diminished, is still fair.

I can hear the phone ring –

Or is that the smoke alarm?

Who turned down the TV?

A little louder does no harm.

I can tell a bird song

From the buzzing of the bees;

Though birds are in the flowers

And the bees are in the trees.

Yes, I hear you talking

But your words are slurred a bit;

Your consonants are fuzzy

And your vowels have almost quit.

No one speaks distinctly

Anymore these past few years.

And so the fault is shoddy speech

And not my aged ears.

---

Change the world with e-mail. Join the i'm Initiative from Microsoft.

dingaling

When I take the bus or train

I may sit all alone

But soon I'm serenaded by

My neighbor's darn ring tone.

Hip Hop or Beethoven,

It can be most anything.

All I know for certain

Is to me it's dingaling.

What I'd really like to see

With such noise ala mode

Is cell phones never ringing –

But instead have them explode!

---

Keep your kids safer online with Windows Live Family Safety. Help protect your kids.

men and laundry

Men who do their laundry

Are a funny kind of group –

They mix it all together

Like they're cooking up some soup.

Towels and shirts and underwear

Go in with pants and socks –

A blanket for aroma,

Then a full detergent box.

Sanitary persons,

They will always wash on hot;

Knowing that the stains might stay

But germs will surely not.

They are very frugal

So they cram it to the top;

If it overflows then

They will simply get a mop.

When the cycle's over

In one dryer it does go.

The timer's set for sixty years,

The temp is set on low.

Then the man will grab a snack

And go and watch TV.

Now you know why bachelors

Are gray and wrinkly.

---

Make every e-mail and IM count. Join the i'm Initiative from Microsoft.

lack

The horseless carriage

Took us far.

Now we have

The gasless car.

Then it's on to

Meatless meals,

Worthless dollars,

Faithless deals.

The only thing

That's in excess

Is our pile

Of pure bs.

---

Keep your kids safer online with Windows Live Family Safety. Help protect your kids.

convenience

Why call it the convenience store

When everything costs so much more?

The choice of name is very poor.

There's crumbs and grease upon the floor.

The clerk is from a foreign shore.

The hotdogs have a rubber core.

Expire dates from days of yore.

The traffic makes a constant roar.

Skateboarders barely miss the door.

Convenience never has before

Had such a lowly, dismal score.

---

Keep your kids safer online with Windows Live Family Safety. Help protect your kids.

cottonwoods

The long days are approaching

With their close humidity.

Winter gets just one more chance

From this mischievous tree.

The cottonwood sends white puffs

Out into the greening world,

With snow banks on the sidewalk

And around the street lights curled.

Would that I were young enough,

Or old enough, to carry

Snowballs made of summer's fluff

To throw at folk unwary!

---

Give to a good cause with every e-mail. Join the i'm Initiative from Microsoft.

memorial day

Memorial Day

We go out and play.

Lakes barely unfroze;

We dip in our toes.

But Canada geese

Won't leave us in peace.

We visit the grave

Of someone quite brave.

We leave a bouquet

But long do not stay;

The kids always bawl:

"Let's go to the mall!"

A picnic we shirk;

The garden needs work.

And gas is so high

You might as well fly.

We mostly stay home,

Drink something with foam.

The day's biggest thrill –

Try out the new grill.

The price of good steak

Means chicken we'll bake.

The relatives come,

Lick up the last crumb

And when they depart . . .

The rain has to start.

---

Make every e-mail and IM count. Join the i'm Initiative from Microsoft.

the bottom line

A diamond is a girl's best friend,

From billboard to the blog

Is preached, but when it comes to man

All we get is a dog.

A woman's work is never done;

So I just have to ask –

Does that mean females don't know how

To finish any task?

Oh, Mother Nature's loved by all

But Old Man Winter ain't.

Yet Mother Nature's skunks and thorns

Do not show her a saint.

Yes, I could tell you many things

About the female life –

But wisdom bids me hold my tongue . . .

I think I hear my wife!

---

Give to a good cause with every e-mail. Join the i'm Initiative from Microsoft.

customer service

When you use the telephone

To negotiate a loan

Or to transact other business at your bank

You are driven to distraction

By the lack of interaction

With a voice that's warm and human, even frank.

You are treated like cold mutton,

Told to push a certain button;

When you do so you are dumped into a void.

You may hear a little Bach

While you sit around and gawk,

Trying not to scream: "I'm getting so annoyed!"

Now it gets a little tricky;

If you are not very picky

You might wind up with the menu Espanol.

Then it's adios amigo,

You can go and play Stratego

For you cannot start again to save your soul.

But if you should perservere

It will soon be very clear

That you've entered some place like the Twilight Zone.

You are talking to some goon

Who is stationed on the moon

And you do not get the accent or the tone.

By the time your call is through

You have talked until you're blue

And you need a nitro tablet to calm down.

Every business does the same.

Their phone service is a game

To see how fast in deep confusion you can drown.

---

Change the world with e-mail. Join the i'm Initiative from Microsoft.

mail in rebates

There is one born every minute,

Crafty P.T. Barnum said.

I guess that I am one of them,

Since all my smarts have fled.

When I hear "Mail-in Rebate"

Every instinct hollers "BUY" –

Even though my credit cards

Will shrivel up and die.

Think of all that moolah

Sent to me by first-class post;

It's as irresistible

As marmalade and toast!

I send the forms off in the mail

And then begin to wait;

That was seven months ago.

I wonder why they're late?

Stamps are so expensive,

But I better write once more.

They say the check is in the mail.

I've heard that one before.

(I guess the Mail-in Rebate

is a figment of folklore.)

---

E-mail for the greater good. Join the i'm Initiative from Microsoft.

nap time

I will scale the highest mount,

Blaze my name on the map.

I will conquer worlds unknown –

But first I want my nap.

When you reach a certain age,

You come to certain views;

Among them is conviction that

You need a mid-day snooze.

Youth is now behind me

But old age with all its kinks

Will never get the best of me

If I get forty winks.

So when I nod off in your face

It's not that I lack bounce;

I'm simply storing up a charge

For my next brilliant pounce.

---

Make every e-mail and IM count. Join the i'm Initiative from Microsoft.

rhubarb

Spring is late, but nothing stops

Rhubarb – black sheep of all crops.

The stuff is tougher than a weed –

Of herbicide it takes no heed.

I've covered it in thick cement;

But rhubarb folds it like a tent.

It sprouts and grows until it's ripe

For sauces, bars and other tripe.

Its evil genius never dies,

But haunts dessert with awful pies.

I've tried to cultivate a taste;

My effort was a total waste.

One who craves it, I insist,

Is nothing but a masochist.

Neighbors bring it by in mounds.

To them I say:  Release the hounds!

---

Change the world with e-mail. Join the i'm Initiative from Microsoft.

medication nation

MEDICATION NATION

 

Grandma's off her meds again;

I don't know what to do.

She thinks that she is Sparky

Living at the Como Zoo.

Uncle Ed's prescription

Has him broken out in hives;

But at least he's stopped

Collecting rusty butcher knives.

Cousin Jane takes laxatives

When constipation nears;

She hasn't left her bathroom

In about a dozen years.

I take aspirin for my heart,

And something to aide sleep;

I won't risk infarction

While I'm counting all those sheep.

Diet pills and fish oil

We consume just like a snack.

The vitamins my family takes

Would fill a gunny sack.

The kids are dosed with Ritalin

To keep them calm and focused.

Pharmacies have got us all

Completely hocus-pocused.

Even with a discount

My finances grow too lean;

I need a drug to turn my purse

A healthy shade of green!

---

Make Windows Vista more reliable and secure with Windows Vista Service Pack 1. Learn more.

tell-all, smell-all

The stars are writing memoirs

All about their big affairs

With royalty and athletes

And jet-setting billionaires.

I wouldn't pay a nickel

For such brazen self-promotion –

Such "revelations" act on me

Just like a sleeping potion.

Give me something meaty, sure,

But not a bedroom tussle.

I prefer my heroines

To hold on to their bustle.

Virtue is its own reward;

Celebrities, get smart!

I'm not buy any book

Where all you do is tart.

---

With Windows Live for mobile, your contacts travel with you. Connect on the go.

baby bust

I do not think a baby's cute.

Their charms are lost on me.

They look like Winston Churchill,

Pink and squashed and quite flabby.

They're selfish and demanding.

They do not pay any tax.

And when it comes to hygiene

They are very, very lax.

They do not like to sleep at night;

They stay up howling threats.

They never would fly off the shelves

If they were sold as pets.

So, baby, do not coo at me

Or make with goo-goo eyes.

I would not change your diaper

For a ton of crisp French fries.

---

With Windows Live for mobile, your contacts travel with you. Connect on the go.

channel changing

Carpel Tunnel Syndrome

Is most likely on the way,

Since channel-surfing is the sport

I play most every day.

Gripping the remote so hard

My knuckles turn to white,

Searching for that station

With a decent show tonight.

I get sixty channels

But no matter how I try

Law & Order's all I find,

Or maybe Family Guy.

Cooking shows proliferate,

The infomercial reigns;

The first leaves me with nausea,

The second with migraines.

Clicking like a madman

I breeze past the baseball game.

CNN is in a rut,

The Travel Channel's lame.

My attention span has shrunk

To that of a first grader.

I bubble with impatience

Like a coffee percolator.

Soon the channels are a blur . . .

How deeply I regret

Selling off my library

To buy this TV set.

---

Get Free (PRODUCT) RED™ Emoticons, Winks and Display Pics. Check it out!

I'll Bite . . .

 

Losing weight is easy

If you never take a bite.

Me, I like to sample

Every goodie that's in sight.

Life is short, and dinner time

Will cease some gloomy day;

So grab a burger while you can

And add some peach flambé .

I think in hell all calories

And diets got their start.

I don't believe that heaven

Turns away the stout in heart.

---

Make Windows Vista more reliable and secure with Windows Vista Service Pack 1. Learn more.

grump

The next guy tells me: "cheer up Tim;

You do not need to worry." –

I intend to chop up fine

Into a grinning curry.

Optimists are pests who prey

Upon the weak and simple.

They would call a deep pothole

A temporary dimple.

When life hands me a lemon

I will throw it in the trash;

Cuz when I drink fresh lemonade

I break out in a rash.

A smile may be a bumpershoot,

But hail is awful lumpy.

When the storms of life descend –

I'll stay dry and grumpy.

---

Make Windows Vista more reliable and secure with Windows Vista Service Pack 1. Learn more.

yard sailing

Now the days are longer,

So along the streets we glide;

Cruising all the yard sales

With our eyes completely wide.

Oh look!  Here is a coffee mug

From "Nancy's Breakfast Nook"

And over there are half the cards

To play a game of Rook.

(The rest of them I think are

in this Reader's Digest Book.)

what a lovely wading pool –

it only needs some patches.

A stack of LP's by Burl Ives

Without too many scratches!

(These candles scented barberry

come with a box of matches.)

I don't know what this do-jig is

But Grandma had one like it;

I think it plays the Marseillaise

When on the top you strike it.

(And here's a map of Istanbul

for those who want to hike it.)

A bowling ball, for goodness' sake!

A yellow fondue set.

A pillow from Niagra Falls.

A nylon fishing net.

(We could use these mason jars

without the lids I bet.)

Oh, we are crafty hunters

Who will scour hill and dale,

Looking for a bargain that

Could be the Holy Grail.

(And now we're stuck with all this stuff

let's hold our own yard sale.)

---

Windows Live SkyDrive lets you share files with faraway friends. Start sharing.

body language

BODY LANGUAGE

 

Foreign tongues I do not speak –

I think they're rather shoddy

And that includes the rumpus

Over language of the body.

I don't care if beetled brows

And arms left all akimbo

Indicate deep intellect

Or interest in the limbo.

Plain English spoken slow and clear

Is hard enough to follow;

My language skills are nominal,

My ganglia are hollow.

The only body-speak I know

Is when the cars malinger

On the freeway into work –

And then I use one finger.

---

Make Windows Vista more reliable and secure with Windows Vista Service Pack 1. Learn more.

roadkill romance

Driving down a country lane

All nature is aflame

With that old tremendous urge

To play the mating game.

Bunnies scamper o'er the road,

As well as deer and bear.

With their minds on just one thing,

They miss my headlight's glare.

I catch them with my rolling tread

In several ton's embrace,

Leaving their romantic glands

As flat as Irish lace.

So to every lad and lass

Who plans a rendezvous,

Look both ways on Cupid's path

Or you'll wind up as goo.

---

Stay in touch when you're away with Windows Live Messenger. IM anytime you're online.

there oughta be a law

Anyone with nothing much

To say that might shed light

Upon a breaking story

Has the duty and the right

To hold a long news conference,

There to ramble and digress,

Until reporters hang themselves

From tedium and stress.

Just for common decency

There oughta be a law

That every dolt and bimbo

Has wired shut their jaw.

---

With Windows Live for mobile, your contacts travel with you. Connect on the go.

mother's day

On Mother's Day we think

Of all the kindness she has done.

We wine her and we dine her,

Give her flowers by the ton.

Thanking her profusely

For her noble, shining soul –

Even though she made us eat

That tuna casserole.

We all get kinda mushy,

Maybe even write a poem.

And then we put her back into

The quiet nursing home.

---

With Windows Live for mobile, your contacts travel with you. Connect on the go.

middle age music

My body makes a lot of noise;

It whistles, snorts and creaks,

Not to mention gurgles from

The plumbing when it leaks.

I haven't got a notion

Why this cacophony does reign

From the bunions on my feet

To my poor spongy brain.

My knees go off like rifle shots

When I am on the stairs.

My stomach growls when I'm sharp set

Like angry polar bears.

Castanets inhabit

Portions of my lower jaw.

When I take a nap you'd think

I'd swallowed a buzz saw.

It seems as I grow older

All this racket does increase.

I ought to get a tune up

And my joints could use some grease.

If I could modulate the sound --

 Oh, wouldn't it be grand! --

I'd be the finest and foremost

Symphonic one-man-band.

---

Make i'm yours. Create a custom banner to support your cause.